Birth Control
by Gary Merchant
Summary: The Doctor and Jo Grant have landed on a birthing planet. But they are not the only arrivals. Co written with Sceadu and Orba The Geek.


BIRTH CONTROL

Jo Grant looked out at the alien horizon before her. It was so beautiful out here, with the mixture of blues and greens in the sky above. She turned to smile at the Doctor. "You were right, Doctor. This is a wonderful place."

"I'm glad you approve, Jo." A light breeze brushed against his shock of white hair. "I always meant to come back here, but I never could find the time, until now."

"But I thought…" she started to say when there was huge explosion that threw them both to the ground.

"Oh dear, that was a bit sooner than expected," said the Doctor, picking himself up.

"What's sooner?" asked Jo from the ground as the debris from the explosion seemed to fill the horizon.

The Doctor was just dusting himself down. "Oh, the birth".

"The birth?" Jo was flummoxed. "Doctor, what are you talking about?"

He gave an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Jo. I should have said before. We're in the constellation of Materna, and this is a birthing planet."

Jo wasn't sure she'd heard correctly. "Do you mean that this planet is solely used for giving birth?"

"Something like that," the Doctor confirmed. "Unfortunately the process here is rather volatile, hence the explosion."

"So we're stuck in the middle of a Baby Boom?"

He laughed. "Couldn't have put it better myself, Jo." He stared ahead. "Hello, what's that?"

Much to Jo's and of course, the Doctor's amazement, another TARDIS had materialised. The door opened and a young blonde woman stepped out, standing slightly open mouthed at seeing them by another blue box and shouted back towards the open door, "Doctor! I think you should see this!"

Out through the door stepped a tall wiry young man in a brown suit and long brown coat. "Hello! What's all this then? Oooh, don't think _you_ should be here!" he added, looking from Jo to the Doctor.

The old Doctor slapped his hand to his forehead in exacerbated frustration. He was just to open up his mouth and start telling off his other self when he was interrupted by the appearance of a small figure out of thin air.

"Well bother me with a loo brush," said the small green man of about three and a half inches in height. "You two shouldn't be here at the same time. Marrit, MARRIT. Come here, you've pulled two of them out here," said the little green man.

Suddenly another green man appeared out of nowhere next to the first. "Toggit, what are you going on about?" said Marrit, the second green man.

Toggit, the first green, man pointed at the two Doctors and companions. Marrit did a double take as he saw the two TARDISes and travellers. "Oh bum," he exclaimed. "That shouldn't have happened."

"Obviously not." The Doctor regarded his future self with interest. "So, you're what I'm to become, eh?"

"'Fraid so," he replied. "Though not for a long time. There's a few others to make their mark on the universe before I take over."

Rose tugged at her Doctor's sleeve. "What's going on here?"

"Yes, I'd like to know too," Jo piped up.

The two Doctors looked down at Toggit and Marrit. "Well?"

Toggit glared at his colleague. "It's his fault," he groaned. "Never trust a boy to do a man's work, that's what I say."

"Don't start at me," Marrit rallied. "It was your idea in the first place, to bring a Time Lord here."

"Never mind whose fault it is," the older looking Doctor sighed. "Just tell us why we're here."

"You know, I'm not entirely sure," said the one called Marrit.

"Typical! Make a cock up, then deny having anything to do with it! Always the same, aren't you?."

"Now listen here, you two little green Herberts," said the Doctor, much to the amazement of Rose, Jo and her Doctor. "We shouldn't be here, not together anyway, but even more, I don't like being manipulated by little green men who should find some other way of passing the time! So, who's going to apologise first?"

Toggit looked at his feet in sheepish embarrassment. "Look, it's not my fault you know. I thought it was a stupid idea from the beginning but Matron thought that with the next birthing happening while a temporal wave is heading for the planet, we would need a bit of extra help."

The younger looking Doctor stepped forward. "This raises a few questions. Firstly, why is a temporal wave heading towards this planet? Secondly, what the devil have you lot got to do with the birthing on this planet and thirdly, who the dickens is the Matron?"

"Did somebody call?" said a small green figure, similar to Toggit and Marrit. The new creature had appeared out of thin air, just like the other two, and she looked very similar. However, she was obviously female, obviously older and obviously very grumpy. Also, unlike the other two, she was wearing clothing, a white apron and a nurse's hat. "Ah, you must be the Doctor," she said to the earlier incarnation. Then she saw the latest model. "And you're the Doctor too, if I'm not mistaken."

She turned to Marrit and Toggit. "Well, you don't do things by halves, do you? Still, needs must. Bring them along, and be quick about it." With that, she disappeared.

"We'd better hurry," said Marrit. "The temporal wave is almost upon us. Just follow me." He took a step forward and vanished.

The Doctors looked at each other and shrugged. "Well, we won't learn anything just by standing here," the younger one said. He took Rose's hand, stepped forward and vanished.

Jo looked up at her Doctor, worried. "I don't like this, Doctor."

"Neither do I, Jo. But we can't refuse our help, not if things are as serious as they appear." He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, and together they took one step and vanished, closely followed by Toggit.

The four of them took in their new surroundings. Rows of beds lined the walls, each one occupied by heavily pregnant females. "It's a maternity ward," Rose declared.

"Quite right, my dear," the older looking Doctor agreed. "But on a much larger scale than anything known on Earth."

"Hmm. Obviously a force field integrated transmat beam. That's interesting," his other self observed. "But I still don't get it. Why are we here?"

"Are you really the Doctor?" said Jo sidling up to the younger Doctor. "My, my!" Her eyes opened wide as she began entwining her arm through his.

"Jo! Put him down!" said the elder.

"Yeah, go play with your own!" Rose said grumpily.

"Be nice, Rose," said the older but younger looking of the two Doctors. "It's rather nice to see Jo again."

"Come here my dear," said the younger but older looking Doctor as he wrapped a protective arm around Rose. "Don't worry, I'll look after you."

Rose pulled out of the Doctor's embrace. "What d'you think this is, Perils of Pauline or something?" she spat grumpily.

"Doctor, what do you think is happening here?" Jo asked the tall skinny Doctor.

"Well, it's obvious," interrupted Jo's own Doctor before his other self could answer. "What's happening here is some form of group gestation. Although, how they could orchestrate the mass fertilisation is beyond me."

"Well," said the Matron as she walked up to the two Doctors. "It's funny you should say that. Ever fancied being a father?"

The two Doctors looked at each other in mutual horror.

"Marrit, Toggit, bring me the Paternity Extractors," called out the Matron.

The two little green men appeared from around the corner with two identical and monstrous looking contraptions. Each one comprised of a length of tubing with a metal funnel attached to one end, and the other attached to an automated suction machine. "It won't hurt," Marrit assured them.

"Well, not much," said Toggit.

Both Doctors backed away, appalled. "Madam, what is the meaning of this?"

The Matron turned to the older Doctor. "It's quite simple. You see, our men folk are otherwise engaged, ensuring that our city's force fields hold up against the latest temporal wave - we get quite a lot of those in this part of the galaxy. But their absence leaves us with a shortage of donations for our fertilisation periods, so we are forced to look elsewhere for potential doners."

Rose gulped. "Does she mean what I think she means?"

"Oh yes, dear," the Matron continued. "Normally, outsiders rarely survive beyond the third donation cycle, but a Time Lord - two Time Lords, in fact - well, such a long lived race, with regeneration capabilities, will prove to be ideal for our purposes. Now gentlemen," she said, turning to the Doctors, "you'll find the process is relatively painless, although there may be some localised swelling."

"I can imagine," the younger looking Doctor noted, as Marrit and Toggit cornered him and his other self.

Rose nudged Jo. "Are we gonna let them get away with this?"

"No way," Jo replied, catching on. "Let's give them a taste of their own medicine."

"I think, ladies, that you may find your intentions unnecessary," said a rich, deep, slightly sinister voice from behind them.

They all turned their attention to the figure that had appeared. he was dressed in black and his pale white face was emphasised by a black goatee beard and moustache. "You!" said the elder looking of the two Doctors. "What are you doing here?"

The figure in black circled them while stroking his beard. His robes were black velvet and he had a high collar, embroidered with gold behind his bald head. "Who is it?" asked Rose.

"It's none other the Ming the Merciless, Pretender to the title of the Emperor of the Universe," said the young Doctor.

"You were expecting someone else?" said Ming with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, in the bad light I thought you were another shifty looking psychopath of my acquaintance," said Jo.

"Believe me Jo, Ming makes the Master look like a playground bully," said the white haired Doctor.

Ming looked down at Toggit and Marrit. "Continue," he ordered. The two little green men advanced with their machines and the Matron lunged at the Doctor's trousers.

"Look, there's really no need for this," the younger looking Doctor insisted, as he fought to avoid the Matron's clutches. "And you won't find anything interesting down there!"

"Nonsense," the Matron's hands reached out. "I've always wondered what a Time Lord really looks like - underneath."

Jo and Rose struggled against Ming's vice-like grip, but he held their wrists firm. "There's no need to upset yourselves, ladies," he told them. "It will all be over in a few minutes."

"Not if we have anything to say about it," Jo rallied, as she swung a leather booted foot into his unprotected shins.

"Argh! You little… you have some spirit… owwwwww!" cried Ming as Rose kicked away his other leg and he landed on the Ming End!

With this little diversion, the two Doctors had quickly looked at each other and each pulled out their sonic screwdrivers. Marrit and Toggit and the Matron squealed with pain at the sound, their hands to their ears, their equipment falling to the floor.

"Quick, run," hollered the younger Doctor and the four travellers made their way towards the only visible exit, a large silver door on the orther end of the ward. As they ran they looked to their sides as the bloated prospective mothers wailed in despair as they watched the men they hoped would be the fathers of their children escaping.

"How can you be so cruel?" cried a particularly pathetic looking mother.

"Our race will die," said another through a snotty stream of tears.

The Doctors, Jo and Rose began to slow their pace as the cries and wails began to increase. Then they heard scuffling behind them as the Matron was begining to catch up. "How can you be so selfish?" she said. "All they want is a little prick."

"I beg your pardon, Madam?" exclaimed the older Doctor in outrage that almost made his white hair vibrate.

"Yeah, less of the little," said the younger Doctor.

"But all the Paternity Extractors do is stick a needle into your abdomen and extract enough DNA to fertilise the mother's already growing but incomplete babies," said the Matron.

Marrit appeared from behind her with one of the Extractors. They could now all see that the metal funnel at the end of the tubing contained a very tiny needle. "Well, why didn't you say so before?" The white haired Doctor exclaimed.

"Yes," said his other self. "That puts a whole new perspective on things."

"Hang on," Rose interupted. "What about that Ming the Merciless bloke?"

"Who?" The Matron was genuinely puzzled. "Oh, you mean Dr Myng D Mursillus, one of our top surgeons."

Jo glared at her Doctor accusingly as Dr Mursillus hobbled up the corridor towards them, obviously still in pain from the girls' attack on him. "Well, anyone can make a mistake," the Doctor insisted.

"Think nothing of it," said Mursillus. "After all, it's not everyday one gets mistaken for a shifty looking phsycopath - ooh, my shins."

The older looking Doctor cleared his throat, glancing at his other self. "Yes, well we do seem to have got off on the wrong foot, old chap. Perhaps we can start making amends."

"Absolutely," the other Doctor agreed, turning to the Matron, blushing slightly. Everyone gathered around, shaking hands and apologising for the terrible misunderstandings. "Well, I never thought I'd say this," the younger looking Doctor said, "but let's make babies."

One hour later, and the two Doctors and their companions were standing outside their respective TARDISes, their job done. "I think that all went very well, after a shaky start," said the white haired one.

"Yeah, we did okay," his other self agreed. "Time to go?"

"As soon as those two are finished comparing notes, yes." The two Doctors watched as Rose and Jo were stood to one side, deep in conversation. Every so often, one or both of them would look in their direction, and for no apparent reason suffer a fit of the giggles. "Do you get the feeling we're being got at, old chap?"

"Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest." He looked at Jo, remembering. "Look after her. She's got a good future ahead of her."

"I will," the older looking one promised. "And make sure young Rose looks after you. You've got a lot to live up to."

"As if I needed reminding." The two of them shook hands. "It's been good to meet you."

"And you, my dear fellow." The two girls hugged and joined their Doctors, still giggling. Bemused, the Doctors shook their heads, ushering their companions into their TARDISes before bidding a final farewell.

As both time machines faded away, the cries of hundreds of newborn babies could be heard echoing around the planet.


End file.
